SimonWaldman.net

A propos of absolutely nothing – other than perhaps demonstrating a certain uniformity in online marketing strategies – interesting to see how much money is being chucked at ‘names in the news’ text advertising – with the Independent, Sky and Mirror leading the way.

I’m sure someone smart could do the analysis of the cost per click on each name to come up with a new Celebdaq.

Everyone is all over Mark Speight.

Kerry Katona is also quite popular, even though she hasn’t done so much recently.

Jordan – although she’s part celeb, part holiday destination.

Gordon Brown only has the independent bidding for him.

While David Cameron has the Indy  and Sky – with Sky managing to squeeze a typo into their ad.

Shannon Matthews – very big for the london paper, for some reason..

So – this week’s newsstand features Jordan heavily. In fact, in what might prove to be a new game – there’s a complete line of Jordan covers on the second row. She’s out and about, getting drunk, losing weight, having bust ups with Pete, having a meltdown etc etc.

Meanwhile, my favourite car crash, Kerry Katona is also back on the front page of OK (her rightful home) having a break down and saying: “I’m the most hated person in Britain” (honestly, the vanity of some people!!!), while Heat reveals the results of a drug test she took earlier in the year (negative for cocaine).

And where is Cheryl Cole in all this? One the front page of Hello – ‘it’s the toughest fight of her life..and she’s determined she’s going to win it’. Apparently her and Ashley are renewing their vows according to star. Or perhaps ‘renewing ‘ means scrapping them so that he is allowed to cheat.

Oh, and in the weird way these body things work – Nikki from Big Brother is pictured in a backless dress on the front of Heat as part of a new anorexia scare. While she’s featured in the same dress on the front page of More saying ‘Nikki’s back’ with a great new look to find herself a new man.

One newsstand. So many stories.

Should an alien land in front of the newsstand this week they would have no doubt about who the most important person in the UK is…it has to be Cheryl Cole.

She’s having dates with an A-List man according to Look, She can’t bear it when Ashley touches her accoprding to heat, She’s been so strong according to OK. She’s moving to LA according to Now.

And Jordan tells us, via New!, she’s not too thin she’s never looked better.

Oh, Ulrika tells Hello her third marriage is really going to last. And Kate Moss speaks to Grazia (if that’s the coverline, you can sort of guess she hasn’t actually said anything interesting).

It truly is a wonderful world we live in.

.

Every day I pass this newsstand at Waterloo , which carries all the celebrity mags.

I have to admit it has a strange pull over me. I have to stop when I walk past it. Who is Lily Allen’s other man? [poor Ed, I say]. And is it really divorce for Ashley and Cheryl? [or isn't it?] And where the hell is Kerry Katona this week? [Phew - here she is]

I never actually buy anything off it – that’s partly because we get Grazia and Heat delivered to the house; but also because rather like scanning headlines in a newsreader, these screaming coverlines are a complete read all in their own.

I feel I should take a photo of it every week and then publish all the photos in a book to provide a chronicle of celebrity Britain – the weekly travails of who’s getting together and breaking up; who weighs too much and who weighs too little; who has a stunning new look and who is in meltdown; whose boobs have been made bigger, and whose have been reduced; who’s pregnant, nearly pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant and who has shed their baby weight within a week.

And no, I don’t know how Monocle ended up on their, either; and Nuts (or is that Zoo?) in the bottom left looks a bit out of place there as well.